How many things in life do we treasure? How do we consider them as treasure? I think I lost something I treasure very much, my mother. Because I feel like nothing matters any more, I don't care anymore.. About anything and everything.. Why should I? Do I need to? Everyone has their own story, their drama in their life.. Sadly, I am in the same shoes as them. Nobody will say their story is less drama than theirs. Because they felt it. Because you feel it, that's why is hurts more. Let's not compare because it wont take us anywhere.. In life, there are too many stories to share, because we experience so much.. Happen that, now when I watch drama, when someone is feeling sick in the hospital or going to go to a 'better place', it's what they call it, I feel so much more than better. It remind me of what happened. From the start to the end.. But I didn't cry. It is either because I am stronger or I am weaker. Strong. Taking the fact in and continuing with my life. Or weak. Just in denial, waiting to break down again someday. Breakdown, cry like a idiot, tell yourself to be stronger and not to cry again. But since I am weak, so I will just wait for the next breakdown time. Smiling and tears just rolled down. Dont think that it only appear in drama, because it happened. One sec smiling and one thought can bring a tear in your face. Somehow I wanted to blog my thoughts down, as there are too much. Too much to ever handle. Now that exam are over, I got time for these. I dont really know how to talk to people about these kind of things, not that good in words too. But here is the only way I hide everything.. I hope that I can do well in exam for my mother to be proud of me. Friends. We need them dont we? Somehow I always acted strong like nothing happen to me.. But by the number of words I have in this random blog post simply just break the act. I am not that ok. But I have to be ok. For me and everyone else. I need to be strong, so that my brother can be strong too. Negative energy just spread, when you are weak. Even in your own body.. I hate pity. Pride and ego, people might say, but I dont give a shit. Sometimes we want attention, we want care and concern to somehow show some value in life. Value in Life. Somehow I want people to read it to understand how I actually feel, for concern, but I can't do that because every concern comes with pity first. So I rather ask for courage to be stronger, than concern. Strong or weak you decide. I know there is one person, no, maybe everyone will think I am silly. A 21 years old with pride. No reason to why act like this and be like this. I know. Believe me I know. I know all these are silly, but still need time and courage to handle all these. So please just let me be silly and believe in me. Because I know I will one day... One day. I am the problem. I know it. I should learn. Learn to let go of the past and move forward. But now just let me be silly... Whatever fuck that is happening or coming, I would still treasure my life, because that's what my mother gave me. What she left me with, other than memories... I really wish that she will have a more comfortable life next life, less suffering at least. In this life, she suffered too much, too much to be put in words. No one can understand that pain she went through. But she was strong to the very last minute and I am very proud of her, my mother.

Nothing can fill the gap. The gap in my heart. Mommy, I miss you so much and I love you.

there is smth i dont understand. although, i gave u choice, not that im not with what you choose, but more on the underlying reason behind it. when i was in your position, i will do whatever it is to socialise with your friends, treating them closer than some of my friends. i even go on a trip with all of them despite facing problems with them. i had the courage to, why not you. you tried, but in the first attempt, how can you assume the results. even when there are problems, i still face it bravely and overcoming it. i heard so many voices, but i still did. now there is chance, but you rejected it. maybe im just to playful, or maybe there is my personality. they are just questions yet to be answer. maybe i will answer it one day...

Dont ask why i blog out of sudden. I just feel like a place i can say this without feeling weak to others maybe. Just now i cried, suddenly. Because of an empty house. Im used to be outside or in a hs with my mom around. Sudden fear, became tear.

Fuck all these shit!

FYP report
UT2
FYP logs
Class work

Crashing in progress...

I feel shut off from this world. Although, I know I am in the real world. Maybe I don't belong here in some way. Not the first time, I get this feeling.

So, here I am, in school. Doing I-don't-know-what. Not listening in class, doing all those things that don't make senses. I know I am suppose to be in class, but my mind isn't. My tears, I am controlling you. Please bear with me, until Im home. My mind, back to class please. Feel so tearful, feel fearful.

All that I feel, all that I think was not me being too sensitive. I am not thinking too much, I am right. So now, let me figure it out... Hais..

Too bored!
I am at Lx's house now. Waiting for him and Joel to finish training and come back. Maybe later can meet Valerie. :)
From just now I have been doing my RJ and my log. Wah.. Finally finish everything that I need to do. Feel better.
Anyway Im tired. Don't know is because the series of events happening or just me. Okay, cannot say tired. Jiayou. So far, not late for school, after the first day. Sadly, one C grade super unhappy, sucks man. Next lesson, she gonna get it from me. Haha.. Not so serious la. Byes.

Min Er,

This is the last sem, put in your best effort. No distractions, No slacking, Work harder. Don't be late, wake up early. Reach class early, it is better than being late. Rmb Late means no A. So sleep early, wake up early. And control your diet. Don't disappoint your mother anymore, must control and respect. Be good. Don't get angry, appreciate everything. Work smart, Think smart.

Best regards,
Myself

"Everyday you learn something new, just whether you realize it."
Came out with this line after a talk with linxun.

Today I learn something new. I went to my mother, wanting to ask something. It took me so much courage and time until I came to my question. I just can't say it. Not to my mom. I don't know why. I plan what to say, already practice so many times, but when it comes to the real thing, it is so much different.

Anyway, after telling lx what happen, he analyse and told me that the way I think was not really mature. From 15 years old, everyone told me I was mature, I think differently, I think far, I think like a adult. All that... But this time, he said I wasn't that mature. So I think again, actually yea he's right.

I should change. Somehow, someday, slowly. I need some motivation to do so, I need the "will". Howhowhow. Hmm.. I don't.

Anyway, it is true that Everyday we are learning something new, just whether we realize it and think about it.